COOK

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COOK

Chef
This epic tale of love and deception takes us back in time to the year nineteen hundred and eighty seven. Early one morning in London, England, we find ourselves in the kitchen of Chef. This sweet mouthwatering scent of Salisbury steak fills the room. This was to be the finest steak Chef had ever prepared. He planned to enter a contest with this masterpiece, the prize being a cruise to Greenland. To Chef, this was the land of paradise. He would be the only man there to seduce and womanize the native females. The oven bell rang. The Salisbury steak was done to perfection. He rushed it to his finest Tupperware to the judges mouths. They chewed and gagged, but due to lack of contestants he won. He now had earned his passage to Greenland, and broke out in song.
Time passed and the day of the cruise had arrived. It was time to board the ship. Dressed in his finest crushed velvet robe and lucky Chef’s hat, he set off. As the ship set away the Chef wandering the decks, taking in all of the sights and sounds. There on the main deck, he found his favorite spot. Shedding his robe, he stood in his fluorescent pink G-string. He approached a beautiful women sunning herself. He seductively blurted out “Woman your body is screaming for the oily touch of my strong black hands.” At that moment she bursts into tears. He asked, “What’s wrong baby?” She then explained to him that her name was Cartman, Mrs. Cartman. She had been forced into engagement with not only Mr. Garrison but Mr. Hat as well. The sorrow this caused her was too great, so she planned to end her life. The Chef then uttered back to her “Woman that would be a crime to ugly up a fine body like yours, let me take your picture and send to a fine quality, reading periodical.” Surprised at the offer she accepted. The Chef then escorted her to a more proper setting of his room. As he properly positioned her upon the couch, the Chef realized that he had no camera. Thinking quickly, he remembered the colored pencil he had in pocket. He knew it would be perfect, but still he asked, “Would mind if I traced the curves of your body with my dark colored pencil.” She replied with an exciting giggle. He cleared his throat, cracked his knuckles and started to “draw.”
Meanwhile in the Captain’s cabin, Dr. Eric Cartman, a psychologist, was speaking to the Captain about a research project he wished to do on the poor people of the ship. “I do find poor people absolutely fascinating” said Dr. Cartman in a perfect English accent. “I will attempt to live with these hethans for a few days.”
” A noble idea, but do be careful… the poor are a ruthless bunch.” replied Captain Barbnady.
” Shouldn’t be a problem, I have my 300 v stun gun with me. “Saying that, Dr. Cartman headed down the stairs toward the slums of Irish immigrants.
Dr. Cartman cautiously opened the door to the main room on the first floor. Upon entering he was taken in by the sights, sounds and smells of a crazy Irish party. “The poor people are banging things together in an attempt to make music; I presume
Dr. Cartman whispered into his hand held tape recorder. ” I think I will try to mingle with the savages. Good-bye for now.” He put the recorder in his pocket and sat down. He wondered how these poor people in the bottom of a ship could be so happy. At that moment a pint of Guiness was placed on the table in front of him and three kids, completely plastered, fell on the table in front of him.
” I’ m Kyle… I love you” said one in slurred speech. ” That’s Kenny!”
“Mmmmm- hmmmm – mmmmmm!”
” Well its nice to meet all of you!”
Dr. Cartman took a solid swig of the Guiness. The alcohol went from his stomach, through his blood, and slammed into his head like a sledgehammer. He immediately found the source of the Irish joy. He was suddenly filled with the burning desire to drink and dance. He tore off his shirt, exposing his saggy upper body, grabbed two gorgeous blondes and broke out into river dance. As Cartman drank more and more, the need to break his seal increased. He grabbed Stan, Kyle, and Kenny. “Guys!” he said, no longer near an English accent. ” I feel the need to pee in every room on this ship.” All three bobbed their heads in agreement.
After dousing the first seven floors, they made their way to the eighth floor. “What the hell is that?” asked Cartman, pointing to a neon blue sign over a door that said, “Chef’s Love Pad.”
” Eh, I don’t care, I gotta piss.” They opened the door and were greeted by dim lights and someone singing in a low, seductive voice.
” I want to make love to you woman… I want to outline your every curve with my pencil.”
Cartman realized at that moment that the woman sprawled out on the couch was his mom.
“Aahhh! Cover your eyes!” The Chef spun around startled and slightly annoyed.
“Ch…Children, what are you doing here?…can’t you see I’m drawing.” They all run out of the room to go back outside.
Cartman and Kenny walk out to the front of the ship on the top deck and say ” We are the kings of the world!!!” Stan and Kyle come up and say ” We have the biggest asses in the world!!!” Just as they get down off the railing a Giant squid come out of nowhere and takes Kenny! They all say ” Let’s go back inside and have more Irish water the show is over Kenny is gone.
The mighty Titanic heads toward the great big iceberg. Cartman, Stan, and Kyle say ” Oh my God…. We missed it!!!” “Yeah”
They all go to the dining hall and are going to have a snack they worked up an appetite pissing in all the rooms in the ship. Cartman then finds out there are no cheesy poofs and gets pissed and they all hell breaks loose, he starts jumping up and down causing bolts to loosen and the ship starts to crack!
The great Titanic begins it tragic blunge into the sea. Everyone gets to the life boats but there are not enough but some how, the five of them float on Cartman to safety.


Bibliography
American Management Association International (1997). “AMA Survey: Corporate Job Creation, Job Elimination, and Downsizing.” 1998 Available: HYPERLINK http://www.amanet.org/survey.htm http://www.amanet.org/survey.htm [1998, Library 16]